Tuesday, July 12, 2011

blah blah blah my over tired rambleing and some more pics :)

what to say what to say?
work is screwing me over as usual.... they put me back in training...
because work sucks i feel like a peice of shit
because i feel like a peice of shit i started cutting again.
and haveing panic attacks at work
and because i work at the worlds shittyst place to work i have no insurance
so in order to continue to recive my script for the drugs that keep me as sain as possible

but i have my tommi, and he is as understanding and careing ashe can be
for someone who has no idea whats really going on in my fucked up head at least
but i love him and hes trying to get a better job at a better place so i can be a stay at home gf
because he doesnt want me working almost  as much as i dont want to work :)
 mostly because he sees what this paticular job does to me
and how theyve been treating me even shittyer since ive started dating him
and how i was just not cut out to work.
he truly is as wonderful as i potray him :)

.....and now introducing my newest baby, jupy.... my teacup chiuaua.... tommi bought him for me in hopes it would cheer me up... it worked ...a little bit :)

and yes i did just wake up when i took these.... i literaly woke up to something licking my face.... and thats how i met my baby :)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

.....and they all lived happily ever after

miss me? hell yea you did!

sorry i havnt been on in forever and a day its been a longgggggg few months,
where do i start?
 i guess i should start where i left off
 well his cousin and her kids moved out in a big hurry, big surprise.
i got a job. that i hate.
i met an awsome person at work. that i thought was gay.
this is where the story gets interesting. and before i continue, i DO NOT CONDONE CHEATING AT ALL.
so i was at work one day and it was pay day so everyone was comming in to pick up there checks, there was one guy i never saw before that came in with what i thought was his boyfriend,  we talked for a bit and i found out i was working with him in a few days then i gave him his check and he was on his way.
a few days later i get a text from a number i never saw before
"hey exited to work with me today?"
i didnt answer him back but truth be told i was. and for the first time.. i actually got all dolled up for work for the first time that day and  it apparently it payed off. all day at work we were texting back and fourth just making fun of everyone and everything. it was fun and for the  the first time in a long time i smiled for real
later that night when i got home from work we were still texting and i was still smiling. when i went to bed that night i put my phone,my ciggarettes, my lighter my journal, my tips from the day, and my camera in mypillow case (shows how much i trusted him at this point) at about 6 am i got woken up to
i was confused. very confused. he went in to my pillow case  to either (a) go snooping through my phone or journal so hed have a reason to fight with me or (b) went to steal my ciggarettes, or money saw the phone and decided to go snooping . either way he was in the wrong.
but apperently he woke me up to fight for something i had no control over, apperently right after i went to bed i got a text saying "we both have off on monday you wanna do something? anything you want, my treat" and some how it was my fault that  that was said to me while i was asleep. and apparently that also means i was a slut who was cheating on him so why should he even try to remain faithful when i clearly wasnt.
yes because someone asking me to do something when i wear a ring on my left ring finger to work just so i dont get hit on  and claim to be "engaged"  automatically means im cheating .... wtf kind of logic is that?
but any way. i wasnt allowed to do ANYTHING without it turning in to a fight. i couldnt even go on MY computer with the internet I was paying for unless he was sitting right next to me looking over my shoulder like im 7 or something. i wasnt alowed to wear skirts, or makeup, or straighten my hair, or curl my hair, or wear v neck tees or tank tops or tight jeans because by some twisted logic it meant that i was  trying to impress some other guy and because i looked half decent i was clearly cheating on him... twisted logic right
i digress.  after that day i tried to stop talking to the new guy. it was kind of hard because they scedualed us to work together ALOT because when i worked with him i was a lot less stressed and  wayyyyy happier which meant i made more tips and costumers complained sooooo much less.

but then the boyfriend started acting weird. at first id come home from work and hed be gone but hed come home the next day and claim he was just out with AJ  playing xbox ( why is that always his excuse for everything? fucking xbox man i swear)  all night and lost track of time. and because i was blinded by love (and fear of another fight) i bought it, then after a few weeks he was disapearing for a few days at a time, gone for 2 days home for 1, gone for 3 days home for 4, and i was pissed because on top of that, i was doing ALL the cooking ALL the cleaning,ALL the laundry, paying most of the bills, AND working. but i didnt say anything still. then he was disapearing for longer and longer periods of time so one day after calling the jails and hospitals in the 5 surrounding countys to make sure he wasnt dead, hurt, or in jail(because he was gone for 9 days at this point and this became my daily ritual), i had to go to work and i was working with... guess who? and i was at my whits end  with the boyfriend  so partially out of spite and mostly because i had a crush... i was like " hay tommi whatcha doing after work? because he STILL hasnt appeared and im getting sick of it, its cinco de mayo i want to just forget him for the night" and you know what? we got drunk, we made out and i had a good time. the next morning i felt guilty as hell for making out with tommi while i had a boyfriend but whatever.
on a side note. i dont know  i told you this but AJ does meth and my bf at the time is a former meth head...so thats where my guess he was while he was disappearing for days at a time because he knows i dont even like him smoking weed. im not a fan of drugs and i never have been but i can deal with weed. and anything prescribed by a doctor, infact i dont think id be able to function with out my prescription  for xanax.... id be a hot mess.
so he doesnt come home till the day after mothers day (and i got my food stamps ON mothers day) and as he always does when he wants to pick a fight with me, wakes me up at 9am to yell at me for not going food shopping on mothers day HEEEELLLLOOOOO i was working all day and i fucking spent what was left of the day with my MOTHER asshole. i said that i grabbed my computer my phone and my money and walked out the door, not really knowing where i was going. i called up tommi crying, still half asleep in my pjs, flip flops, my hair was probably rockin the  einestine it was attractive i must say. he came and got me and brought me to starbucks where i drank my soy vanilla latte and he just listened to me cry and complain, oh and say im sorry  8 million times for dumping all my problems on him then he brought me back home and guess what? the bf wasnt  home
big shocker
the next day i worked til 9pm and when i got home i was determined to break it off with him but when i got there he looked so sad and i just broke down crying before i could even say anything. i ran to the bathroom and texted tommi " idk if i can do this he looks like a sad puppy" and he texted me back within seconds - "your strong you can do this and plus what about us then?" it made my heart melt for whatever reason and i did it, after months of me wanting to this i finally did
all it took was that one text

the next chapter:
as soon as i broke it off with the ex,  he started getting violent. very violent. not at me  persay- but he was throwing dressers across the room begging me not to go, banging  his head against the wall, punching walls and since i  have PTSD i freaked out grabbed my work uniform, one work shoe, my computer my phone and my purse and literaly ran out the door while calling my mommy histerically crying and telling her what happened and texting tommi to come get me asap because im afraid of him following me if i walk up  to his house.
tommis roomate ended up being the one who got me because tommi was at work but that was fine with me. i got in the door of my soon to be new home and was greeted with 3 diffrent people  handing me beers all at once because i apparently (a) needed to catch up and (b) looked like i could use them.
by the time  tommi got home from work i was pretty trashed and i ran up to him and said " GUESS WHATTTT IM SHMINGLEEEE"  it was a good night, a much needed  good night
after everyone left and it was just me and  him awake i said " you know what? i havent been single for more then a month collectivly  since i was 12" and he said" that doesnt have to change. you could be my girlfriend" it was so cute and akward and it made me so happy

weve been together since may 12th and still not one fight, argument, diagreement, everything is great, his family loves me, his little brothers tell me im a better  sister then there real sister, his sister says  that her and  his mom have never liked any of his girlfriends until me, his mom gave us our own place and what we do pay in rent shes putting in savings for us to buy our own place in a few years.
life is good
im very happy
im glad that chapter of my life is OVER
and that im starting a new, better one

some pics of us.... just so you can see my upgrade :)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

do you ever feel like a total fool?

i feel like this alot lately.

i feel taken advntage  of. i feel like my feelings dont count. it hurts
two days after having this blow out fight with my boyfriend bout this... he does it all over again. just for a longer period of time

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

i feel isolated.

i feel horrible that i feel this way, but i do.

its come to the point that i have no friends that are just my friends. my best friend in georgia seems to be closer to my boyfriend then me and she tells him just about everything i say so its not like  i can rant and rave about him to her . i cant even go online for the most part without him leering over my shoulder to make sure im not "talking to other guys.
 i really do love him but at the same time i feel kinda trapped in my own skin. i have no one to vent to with out it going back to him, i have no one to call up and be like " my boyfriend is a fucking prick let me come over so i can talk shit about him for the next few hours and then go back home and feel refreshed and happy  with him again"

the only people we really even hang out with other then the best friend i mentioned, are his friends who are all two faced and apperently as soon as i leave the room telling him to leave me because im a "prissy yankee princess whos just going to leave him for someone with money eventually anyway" witch isnt true at all..

idk what to do anymore.

i feel like im slowly becoming a shell of my former self. nothing more

love you girls <3
i always come back eventually. sorry it takes so long to post. but like i said i rarely have time to myself ...

He that is without sin cast the first stone.

today i got on facebook and saw that my boyfriends cousin  sent me a message saying "we have alot to talk about call me asap!" so i called the house and the cell with no answer. when i  finally got someone it was my bf. and he told me she wasnt home but they have been talkingabout me  and shes a little pissed that i "dont really do much"

first of all. i  not only myself and my boyfriend, but her,her three kids and his mother... every night. on top of that- i watch her youngest two kids just about every day so she can go find pills at the crack houses (or where ever she goes to get them... idk) on top of THAT i  also am the only one in the god damn house that does dishes ever, im the only one who is looking for a fucking job, i do EVERYONES (exept my own because i need a dryer so i go elswhere) laundry just about every day i do at least a load i do hw with the oldest kid, i supply everyone with cigarettes (because my mom buys cartons for me) and i do ALL the grocery shopping.

but i dont do anything aperently.

in the 4 months that she has lived with us this is what ive seen her do. cry, complain, stick the kids in the playpen, cry, smoke, pop pills, and uhm,,, complain.
once in a while she'll drag me to the store so she can buy lotto too.

but im the one who does nothing?

then i finally did get on the phone with her and she was scoldingme like  a fucking child because i dont wake up at 6 with her to help get the 9 yearold off to school. heres a tip: if youre going to scold me like a 5 year old expect me to shut down and say what ever needs to be said to shut you the fuck up. then go and do what ever i want any way.

who cares if i dont get up until 11-12? its not like i need to anything in the time period of 6-10 any way.... let me fucking sleep an extra 4 hours... in the long run its the best option for everone... i dont do well being woken up early. and its not like all i do is sit on my ass all day like her any way... in the hours im awake... i do 10x more then she does and shes got those extra 4 hours on me... so like i said let me fucking sleep and no one gets hurt

then theres him

this "talk" they had started off because of a fight we had. i worked on valentines day. so with the 20$ my friend gave me to watch her kids for 4hours,  i went and bought beer, well since im 19 i gave the money to him and he got US beer. key word US not HIM. 2 days later aj came over with jager andred bull ready to party since i dont drink liquor (knowingly at least) i went in the fridge and got a beer out. i opened it and took half a sip before getting it ripped out of my hand and getting told i couldnt drink. i was pissed.  and i sat there sober. watching him and aj getting plastered and every once in a while hed ask me if i was ok and i wouldnt respond but i was shaking i was so mad i bought the beer for us and im sitting there watching him drinking it all plus jagerbombs right in front of me.

so im sitting there shaking im so mad and to make matters worse a very drunk aj sits next to me pretty much acuseing me of being on meth  saying shit like " shawtee that shit is bad news, believe me i know ive been there so has your boy, find someone you love and talk to them but please stop"... yes aj is white.... and yes he does say "shawtee" but for some reason it doesnt bother me when he says it .

any wayy.
i told my mom this story and her responce made me laugh

i may only be able to be around her for a short period of time but shes still funny.

sorry abiut the title being all biblical... i just think it fits for this rant.
he that is without sin cast the first stone.
guess what... hes at the end of that line.
but so am i

Friday, January 14, 2011

living in an over populated house

im finally home. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
my boyfriend went through my texts and decided i did infact cheat on him in ny. and to be honest... ii didnt. i made out with my bestfriend BUT i told him about that and he laughed about it. hes fine as long as the person i make out with has a vagina... he thinks its funny.

i love him why would i cheat on him ....urgh.

but i am happy to be home even if my living arangement is all out of wack.... ready for this shit?
we live in a 3 bedroom 1 bath  house. living in said house there is  my boyfriend, his cousin and her  4 kids, his mom. our 2 dogs, 4 cats and me.  thats 13 fucking living things in 3 small bedrooms. its horrible. right now im at my moms because i needed to get away. its sad when my mothers house is where i go to excape. all that happens when im here is  she tells me how much of a skrew up i am. but right now id rather be here then there sad isnt it?

Monday, December 27, 2010

such a skrew up

so im in newyork and everything is going fine.
until i need to buy cigarettes... and wouldnt you know... i lost my id. so now im trapped here for a while. it sucks.

thats it for today . just wanted you guys to know <3

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

im off to my home town ! wish me luck!

im feeling wonderful.
life is great

ok thats completely bull shit... you should know better by now girls :)

so my boyfriend finally got a  fuckin job! so after work i went to visit him and celebrate. it was going just fine until our friend came over with  the ps3. fuck the fucking playstation. it causes nothing but issuse.

i wanted to play something WITH my boyfriend as apose to sitting there with my thumb up my ass... so  the only two options were a fighting game or bowling. i gave him the choice and he threw an all out hissy fit over the fact that he wanted to play grand theft auto. i felt like i was baby sitting a 5 year old. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOIUS? GROW THE FUCK UP SUCK IT UP AND PLAY A TWO PLAYER GAME YOU ASSFACE.  it went from bad to worse when i left because despite my best efforts he started playing gta... i was sitting outside in the 15 degree weather smoking  when he came out and  sat next to me like
"is it really that big a deal? you know im having gaming withdrawl-" im cutting it off there to say this YOU ARE A  GROWN ASS MAN YOU SHOULD BE MORE WORRIED WITH THE  FACT THAT YOU LIVE IN YOUR MAMMAS HOUSE THEN THE FACT THAT YOUR  FUCKING XBOX BROKE.  now his sentance may continue " but its ALWAYS my problem right? if its not your way its not any way at all"

to witch i said " what are you talking about every weekend im here everything is *your* room *your* tv *your* remote  and im the one that needs it my way all the time? "- this is where  he started laughing at me  " dont fucking patronize me  you fuckin asshole"
he  looked at me  like i  was nuts so i asked  him if he knew what patronize meant he  said  no so i said (because at this point i was fumeing mad)  "well maybe  if you got your GED  you would have learned it.. " then patted his head like a puppy  and went back inside.
the rest of the story is pretty typical of any fight we have.  i used words  he couldnt say let along know what they mean with out breaking out he dictonary... he repeteded the same sentance over and over and over. i would ask him questions, he would  repeat the same sentance over and over . i would throw something at him... guess what he did?

if you guessed  repeated him self again ... you get a cookie.

 well im off to ny soon<3 love you girls

Monday, December 6, 2010

im backkk did you miss me?

don't lie... i know you did... there was lots of ups and downs in the past month.... the lowest being... i lost the baby. i  lost my baby. i lost my little baby. i cried at least an hour a day for 3 weeks straight. i don't know what i did wrong,  but the boyfriend keeps telling me it just wasn't our time to have a baby, and i guess hes right... what he doesn't know is this is the second baby iv lost and at this point I'm convinced i keep doing something wrong.
when god intends me to have a baby i will have a baby. i will have 4 babies. i love babies.
but id rather not talk about that so lets be positive

i convinced him to go to thanksgiving with me. it went great my family loves him and are happy i have a man who's not a drug dealer, a drug user (as far as hard drugs go at least), a heavy drinker, or a wife beater lol. he likes my family  for the most part too. he got to hear all my embarrassing little kid stories, witch i think he enjoyed too much but all in all it was a good day.we spent  the weekend up at my grandmas and i had lots of fun. it got my mind off of everything that had been running through my mind prior. we went to the mal and i went on a balls to the wall shopping spree... part retail therapy, part my grandma set me loose in the biggest mall in the south east with her debit card...  what i did not get however... was a laptop. im hoping my rich daddy will get me one since i can pull the  "oh woe is me  i live in a shitty apartment with my boyfriend and don't even have a computer to play the sims on... get me a mac book pro kthxbye" card and hope it works.

so any way when i got home from my grandmas,  my boss dropped it on me, shes  sending me up to my home town of long beach NY for xmas..... but ..... when i come back i have to get my stuff and leave... im out of the job. the baby got in to a REALLY good daycare that they didn't expect her to get in to for another 6months... I'm royally fucked. 
not only that but my boyfriends mom is kicking him out if he cant come up with the rent  by jan 15th. so we need to find a place, and find jobs with in a very short period of time. he said i don't have to get a real job and  just find another babysitting thing just to make a few dollars here and there. witch I'm more then ok with  the only flaw in that plan is ....oh i don't know.... HE DOSENT  HAVE A JOB EITHER. if im gone for a long period of time its because im living under a bridge some where in Georgia.... freezing to death and  plotting to kill my boyfriend... just so you girls know <3

daily stuff
Thin_Envy - hello love, sorry i cant really think of all the drama....  know there has been alot, but  life has been absloutly nuts <3

draw out my tattoo that my best friend is buying for me
do the zumba workout video thing i fell in love with
go to walmart and buy shavers.

ill start up intake tomorow....
love you girls<3

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I'll be be back I promis!

The computer broke..... Hopfully I'm getting a new one next wekend from my grandma... So much drama to fill you girls in on.... Don't forget about me! I'll be back .. I'm never gone long

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

it just hit me.

im getting nothing for my birthday.
every year since i can remember ive gotten minium  200$ in cash and what ever "big" thing i wanted  that year ( last year it was a chanel necklace and my coach bag i cant live without, the year before that it was the uggs i HAD to have in every color.. because i had to have them, the year before that.... i think it was a blackberry,,,  you get it) this year... i get nothing. i even have to make my own cake because ill be dammed if i dont at least get to blow out the candles.... and because my bf is a crazy jahovahs whitness, and lectures me every time i bring up my birthday.... i get nothing.
hopefully our friend teddy (whos loaded) will  get me something because that way ill atleast have some sort of phisical present ...

speaking of my crazy bf, hes a jahovahs whitness right? ok so my best friend called me today, didnt even say hi just goes " sooooo what happens when you two break up and the kids like  why doesnt my dad ever get me anything for my birthday or christmass? like what are you gonna tell it?" i thought about it for a seccond then jokingly  go.. " probably something like .... daddy doesnt love you thats why mommy gets you stuff because she loves you so so so much and daddys a loser who dosent celebrate stuff because he was poor growing up and his mom thought it was eayser to tell him the devil made holidays then to be like... uhm yea we have no money sorry"

is that fucked up of me?.... it was jokingly.... but still

Monday, November 8, 2010

ok i lied

i just watched the video clips... i flash the camera wayyyyy too much lol so no videos for youuu

but if you look at my playlist.... georgia has gotten the best of me... i now like country music.. my girls in ny are going to rip me a new one for this crap ... oh well

a weekend with out fighting? .... no fuckin way!

it was a good weekend...
it was a very good weekend...
it was a great weekend

yes i finally had a  drama free weekend... can you believe it? i cant lol
Friday we went to applebees then watched stand up comedy all night,
starerday we watched the UGA game, i danced around like a fool(ill put up videos later today that my friend took with my camera) then we went to poker night with AJ and his sister then we went back to AJ's and  played pool, got aj laid, and played on the wii
sunday i had morning sikness all day so i laid across boyfriends lap all day while he did everything i asked and watched the game... then him and aj took me home so i could work today.  hes learning...

and they say you cant train a man

Xo-glass-slippers-oX- lol aw thanks soo much baby doll, im fat though i promise... theres a reason the pics dont show my stomach lol... he is over protective and paranoid but meh... hes the father of my baby and im going to make it work, i refuse to let this child grow up in a broken home like both of us did. and all of us are doing fine, ive been so busy lately i forget to up date... im never gone too long though :)

warlocksmistress-thankies darling <3 i try.... way too hard actually

warlocksmistress- welcome to my insane little corner of the Internet darling <3

ive decided since im pregnant and all.. and already fat...intake is unnecessary,  it will continue in a few months when baby is born :)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

so saying "hey cutiepie" is cheating?..... only if its to a guy.

so my boyfriend is a paranoid prick.
my friends never liked him (most of them knew him from highschool... and those who didnt only heard about him from the people that did know him) but they were willing to give him a chance at the haloween party they were having. did i mention how much i had to whine to get him to go to this party because hes a crazy jahovah whitness, 2 months worth of whining and complaining every day. but i did get him to go (see pics at the bottom of the page for the highlights)

when things are good they are great. when things are bad they're ripyourhairoutandwanttokillababy bad.
we walked to the party because neither of us have a car at the moment, it was a really fun walk, he jokingly pointed out every guy who stared at me, i was talking in my Spanish accent that he loves, we jokingly fought over nothing i pretended to push him in a stream. it was fun.
then things went bad from there.
we get to the party and before we go up to my friends apartment, i ask him to please TRY to be socical, i dont think i ask much. im not asking him to run around the room talking to everyone and being every ones best friend like i tend to do. i was asking him to try to talk to new people, and to have fun... is that too much? if im asking too much of him someone please tell me.
so we get in to the apartment and i check my phone and i see aj called. so i call him back and  he wants to come to the party so i ask my friend sara if its alright with her she says its cool and that was the end of that, or so i thought.
my bf disappeared already so i go looking for him to tell him the good news thinking that since one of his friends are coming he'll be a little more comfortable. his response to me  telling him is "oh so your talking to my friends behind my back now! thats fucked up let me see the phone" its technically not my phone its the 11 year old i baby sit's phone so i was reluctant... and i was a little pissed that he flipped out on me for trying to do something nice. so i say no and put it on lock and put it in my bag.
aj gets to the party:
wait no, not aj- aj's sister,4 random Spanish dudes and aj show up to the party. i love aj's sister, since the day i met her  shes been like my big sister, and she seemed to make a good impression on sara because she didnt mind Bridgett staying but since i didnt know the 4 randoms, and sara didnt know the 4 randoms.... they had to go. and they did.
for some reason or another briget always has at least a grand on her in cash at any given time.... so when she realised that not only was it a Halloween party but sara's boyfriends birthday party,  her drunkenness takes over " OH ITS A BIRTHDAY PARTY TOO? do you guys drink? smoke?   oh you drink what do you drink? what kinda of vodka? how do you not know AJ GO GET THE BIGGEST BOTTLE OF GREY GOOSE AND  ...... sara sweetie what do you drink? AND A BOTTLE OF PATRONE"  at that point i pulled out my money and i was like hey if your going, get me a 24oz budlight (for the record 2 beers every 2 weeks is allowed.... ) and some "ciggerettes" (by ciggerettes i  mean altoids.... i go through like 5  packs a day lately)
so he brings my bf with him and thats when things got really really bad
when they get back from the store (with a 80$ bottle of vodka and a quite large bottle of patrone)  i was running around being the designated photographerand i guess at some point i used my phone because it was on the counter. were all talking laughing and my bf is even being really SOCICAL.... i was so proud.  then he abruptly has to "go to the bathroom" and he took my phone with out me noticing. when he comes out of the bathroom he grabs me by the arm and pulls me outside. when we get outside im like what i do?  he said " hey cutie? HEY CUTIE why the fuck are you calling other guys cutie?" ok now what he failed to either realize or mention is  i text "hey cutie" to EVERYONE female, male, dog, alien, it really doent matter, when saying hi its always hey cutie on texts.  this went from me trying to explain to him that if he looked at anytexts to any one, female or male the first text i send to anyone is always hey cutie, to him throwing a tantrum about how " i did him dirty" to me having an anxiety atack and hyperventilating and banging my wrists against the cast iron steps as hard as i could  ( i still have the bruise)  to him using the n word more times then id like to think about ( ive trained him well, but every now and then he relapses) to me getting fed up and screaming about how hes got a kid on the way and STILL has no job. i dont remember much after that until we were in the car on our way to the hotel aj,briget, clint, and i were staying at that night but apparently we made up.
im still a little pissed that he considers saying hey cutie cheating.

but any way this week is my birthday weekend.... well its the weekend im celebrating my birthday lol by birthday is technally next friday but thats ok. so im hoping to have a drama free weekend.... but i doubt thats gonna happen

i should rename this blog " my boyfriend is an ass hole" just saying.

before the party <3


singing  the new nelly song

me and sara

the infamous and mysterious AJ

aj and briget

jordan fondles peoples tits... what can i say

jordan and her sister

idk why but i like this pic

the girls, and my bf

Sunday, October 24, 2010

parties,a hospital bed, and baby names names

so its been a while. and i apologise
I've spent the last few days in a hospital bed because i collapsed at work ... thankfully it was right before my boss walked in the door apparently but i still just straight up passed out. apparently i have gestational diabetes, i really thought only obese chicks get that but i suppose i was wrong. it sucks i have to check my blood sugar levels like 5 times a day, i hate the fucking needle. it hurts.

but thank goodness. baby is doing great.
speaking of... we narrowed down names to 3 girl names and 2 boy names
Gia Marie Bryan
Thea  Ashwynn(Ash-win) Bryan
Gemma-Kate Bryan (no middle name )
Travis Michael Bryan
Kade Jacob Bryan
what do you girls think? Thea was his choice and  we'll probably go with that because its growing on me.

ok so as always i have drama to tell you girls and don't think  today is any different
so Saturday was my boyfriends little cousins 10th birthday party, he begged us to come because he looks up to my boyfriend so much. because my bf is a Jehovah's witness (or claims he is but cant be too religious since hes got a kid on the way and were not married) he didn't want to go to that poor child's party. i literally had to pick out an outfit, iron it for him, brush his hair for him, sit there and watch him shave, and put on his shoes just to get him out the door. then i felt bad we didn't have anything to give Stephen for his birthday so i went to the dollar store and bought him 10$ worth of stuff (with my last ten dollars might i add) so we get to  the party and it hasn't started yet, in fact they were still getting ready so i took it upon my self to help out. i hung up banners, filled the pinata, helped decorate the cake, gave the kids baths, picked out there outfits for the party, dressed the 3 younger ones. did the little girls hair,and made sure all of them were occupied while we were waiting for people to show up. mean while by boyfriend is sitting on the couch downing beers like they're nothing, starring mindlessly in to space. he must have already had 7 or 8 by the time the actually party started. then  when the party started, it was in the back yard so he moved himself to a chair in the back yard and  drank more beer, and stared mindlessly in to space while i was running around trying to keep all the kids  in the back yard, pouring drinks, handing out margaritas to the adults, trying to figure out who the screaming kid of the moment belonged to making sure no one was eating things out of the dirt and then when the food was ready i was handing out hamburgers and hot dogs. my boyfriend wouldn't even pay attention to his "little buddy" Stephen. all because he "doesn't believe in birthdays" i was pissed.
so his momma shows up to fix her self a plate and then leave and  as shes leaving  he  grabs me like " I'm leaving with my mom you coming?" i was like are you out of your fucking mind dude? i have to play baby sitter and care taker because at this point I'm the only sober adult left. but i wont be late you'll be home right?  he  goes " i don't know" and  gets in the car. i got even more pissed.
so as the party winded down, i handed out cake, wiped faces clean, handed out goodie bags and brought all the kids to whom the belonged to.  then the party was over, and his cousin brought me home
now remember, that was HIS family.

i get back to his house and  his mom is walking out the front door with my stuff in her hand.. im like where is he? and she goes "he just went off with AJ not too long ago and he packed your stuff and told me to give it to you. you can stay and wait for him to come home if you want" at this point i was livid... i wanted to strangle him or slit his throat or something.
so im sitting on my boyfriends bed waiting, waiting, waiting 2 hours have gone by, waiting waiting waiting, 4 hours waiting waiting waiting 5 hours... i finally get my almost dead cellphone and spend 3 hours trying to get in touch with him. by this time I'm having an anxiety attack and balling my eyes out. i haven't seen or heard from him since he stormed out of the party. ii finally went to bed with molly (hhis dog and my "step daughter") expecting him to be there when i wake up at least. i woke up at 9... still no boyfriend...went back to sleep... woke up at 11... still no boyfriend.....went back to sleep... woke up at 1..... still no boyfriend and i couldn't fall back a sleep so ii stared calling again. NO ONE ANSWERS MY TEXTS OR CALLS WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?
finally someone answered my call and it was AJ's brother in law. i got on the phone with my boyfriend and i was like "uhm wtf was this fucking stunt? what if i went in to labor? what if i tripped and  fell and broke my neck? why the fuck would you go out with your fucking boyfriend and not even fucking wait for me to get home? like i dont fucking care  that  you went out  but  i stay over here on the weekends  to spend  time with you not with your dogs,cats,chickens,ducks, and mother while your out getting high and drunk with your fucking boyfriend are you going to fuckin come home before i have to leave or are you not even going to say bye to me" im pretty sure i said all that in one breath too. his responce?  i dont know babe we just got back from the store and were having a cook out" are you kidding me?  you dont  tell you pregnant girlfriend  whos eating everything in sight something like that! so i jsut hung up when he was done

he called me back (because he felt bad i have no doubt) and was like " how long are you going to be at the  house?" i was like " i dont fucking  know i was about to call devon to come get me but if youre going to grace me with your presence then i might wait for you" he told me he was on my way and i hung up again with out saying anything

he gets  home and  hes stoned off his ass AJ is drunk off his and i wanted to yell at both of them but i was emotionally exausted so i let it go. i got no appoligy for him being out for 28 hours and not even letting me know he was leaving, i got no i missed you baby. i got "you ate all my hotpockets... what the fuck. do you have any ciggarettes i know you do give me one"

is him saying sorry too much to ask? i dont even need the im sorry but an i missed you would be nice you know?

urgh idfk

 Xo-glass-slippers-oX- lol something like that. ive been eating everything in sight lately so  dont worry about me not eating any more <3

too much to try to remember

1- yoga video
2- go to walmart and buy a few avacados, sour cream and cilantro  for my famous guacomole
3- remember to take my prenatal

Monday, October 18, 2010

so it went from "i miss youso much" to "why are you here i had plans"?

so i officially moved in at my bosses ( mostly because its easyer then walking 45 mins At 6am every morning) i moved in Thursday night after i posted. Friday i spent the night settling my self in my new room and trying to give this whole sleeping alone thing a fair chance. he has no cell. i have no cell and he has no computer. so really, neither one of us have a real way to get in contact with each other. Friday night he got on facebook at his friend kevin's house (i hate when he goes over there usually because its a KNOWN crack house.. not kevin but all the rest of the 10 people who live in that tiny little single wide trailer) and all night he was like baby i miss you i cant wait to see you again blah blah blah bullshit blah. so Saturday afternoon i show up at the bryan house and he looks at me like wtf. i say "well don't get so exited to see me calm down stop jumping for joy" kidding of course, and his reply was "me and AJ were supposed to get high as fuck and go see jackass 3d tonight" how he was going to pay for a movie ticket with out me? i have no clue. but i was like " i wanna see that so bad you guys can get high or whatever but i still wanna see it too. then he gets in to this long ass rant about how i cant just show up at any time and how i don't live there any more so i should call and how i ruined his plans so just forget it we'll just watch tv and relax all night.
sketchy much? i think so.
but i wasn't about to fight with him again so i kinda just tuned him out after "you ruined my plans"

also because i have a "girl crush" on Katy perry (who's on the cover of this months cosmo) he has convinced himself that I'm bi, and it weirds him out. I'm weirded out that hes weirded out because 1. I'm not bi, although i kinda wish i was because that would make being single a little easyer, and 2.aren't guys like... hardwired to think that's hot anyway?. he as also convinced himself that since i am apparently bi, my pregnant ass is going to leave him for a chick. not just any chick but my friend renay who happens to be bi, but honestly if i was bi i think i could do better then renay (sorry renay i still love you <3)

all yesterday and today i have had to hear about how i ruined his plans and how he wants to kick AJs ass on madden 10. and how because of me he cant, meanwhile AJ invited him AND his "wife" (that being me.)

urgh i kinda almost feel since we've dropped the "l" word our relationship has slowly started to fall apart. but i don't regret it because i know in my heart i do love him.. idk
advice would be greatly appreciated right now <3
on to the daily crap-

uhm.... about that today... does semen count?

comments <3
Xo-glass-slippers-oX - I'm not sure whats going to happen and it scares me to death. and i know i should eat more but food makes me sick... like i think this baby already is bulimic because everything i try to eat just comes back up:/ except cum for some reason i can keep that down (hey its protein and sugar right?)

Skin and Bones- yea i hope everything gets better i love him but lately it doesn't seem to get any better :(

Thursday, October 14, 2010

the last few days have sucked.

hey guys sorry its been a couple days... its been a big drama filled mess
between the fact that I'm pregnant, and the fact that my boyfriends mom is kicking us out at the end of the month,we have both just been super stressed.
every  thing was going great. we watched more of my movies, sat around all day Wednesday and played UFC on his xbox ,ate, went to play with AJ for a bit we took some really really cute "couple pics" that i absolutely loved... then we got home... and i swear world war 3 broke out in the Bryan house.
i wanted to fuck... plain and simple.. i wanted attention... is that so wrong? but god forbid i want some affection while the Georgia bull dogs are on(it was a fuckin RERUN of last Saturday's game...which he made my hungover ass watch anyway.)  like seriously? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? so i was like fuck it ill do it my damn self... and i started... uhm.... doing my thing so to speak... and he gets all pissy at me and storms out of the room.so i take a nap when I'm ....achem.. finished
i woke up and my camera mysteriously moved from one end of the room to the other... hmmm
he deleted all the fucking pics on my goddamn camera.. i was LIVID... in fact... i still am. that was fucked up...

i  stormed in to the living room screaming at the top of my lungs (don't worry kiddies, mama Bryan wasn't home)  i was calling him every name in the book ... and then some ii made up off the top of my head when i couldn't think of anymore... but the basic idea of my rant went something like this " YOUR A FUCKING LOSER, WHEN YOUR BOYFRIENDS FRIENDS TELL YOU YOU RE WAY TOO GOOD FOR HIM THAT'S GOTTA MEAN SOMETHING, I MEAN COME ON YOU DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL WHEN YOU WERE 15, YOU'RE 21 AND STILL DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING GED YOUR A LOSER.. WHY AM I EVEN WITH YOU"  for the record, I'm well aware i used alot of low blows.. and im also aware that i went overboard. then he got all pissed and shut down. so i went in to the bedroom  and started packing my shit up, he came in and asked me "wtf are you doing?" i told him if he cant even take pics with me he must be embarrassed of me and  he shouldn't have to be with someone hes embarrassed of
he takes the garbage with all my shit in it and throws it all over the fucking room.
i threw his cellphone out the door
he throws my lammy ( the stuffed animal I've had since birth) out the door
i start throwing cds and xbox games around the room
i think he ran out of options at this point so he threw an empty can of coke at me
i attacked his ass.
i full on took out my earrings and jumped on him screaming and yelling and throwing punches
all i saw was red, all i could think about was how much i hated him a the moment.

then AJ shows up at the door, like "heyguyswhatsup!" and i collect myself and talk with him for a min and completely ignore the fact my boyfriend even exists. then i start getting my stuff back together. and put in the garbage bag. and all three of us get in the car, my boyfriends driving, I'm in the middle and  aj is in the passenger seat. my boyfriend tried to put his arm around me and i pulled the hair out of his hand. like did he forget the smack down we just had not even an hour ago? should i go get him an MRI since he's clearly starting to get altimeters.
so were like at my bosses house (where i have been staying the night for the past few days) when he whispers in my ears and is like  you know i love you right?) i look at him kiss him on the cheek and left the car. i haven't spoken to him since that night... witch makes this day two. meh... this all sounded more interesting in my head.
on to the daily stuffs

all day-4 fiberplus bars, lots of cherry juicyjuice.

yay! blackblack is now following me :) this makes me smile

Xo-glass-slippers-oX- i know it can... i haven't had a drop of alcohol since that night. and i don't plan to for quite some time.

Monday, October 11, 2010

i got my pizza and movie night with my man!!

it made me happy :)
i got home from work today and he rented "chickflix from the indie section" as he put it. i love indie movies, they just seem more real. that and i love fucked up plots and it seems like indie movies have alot more selection of fucked up plots
juno, minis first time, kids, hard candy, the tracy fragments,and donnie darko :)
we only ended up watching juno hard candy and kids before he got tired and passed out.. but its ok because chelcea lately is about to come on lol
we got dominos too i had chicken bacon tomato pizza .... he had pepperoni...boring
but we cuddled and watched movies and it was cute! i had such a good day :)  for a change i have nothing to rant about... proud of me? i am
so on to the dailys :

breakfast- i got a large ice coffee from mcdonalds on the way to work (just dont tell anyone)
lunch- easy mac on the way to the park with the baby
dinner- HAPPY CLOUMBUS DAY! my boss made a big italian meal... lost of pasta, meatballs,manacati,and biscotti...yumm <3
after diner-- pizza with the boyfriend

god i ate alot today :/

Xo-glass-slippers-oX- lol yes i got trashed but i wish i hadnt, because it can do alot of damage to the baby :( i read your blog though... sounds like you had alot of fun :)
One day death will come to collect you - thankies! im trying to eat more.... i ate like a cow today though

Sunday, October 10, 2010

ahh the weekends over !

don't you just hate that?
i know i do.  i think the weekend should be longer. four days will suffice :)

anyway on to my crazy weekend... and how I'm probably the only person on the face of the world who could possibly ACCIDENTALLY get drunk. i swear i had no idea i was even consuming alcohol.

lets start the story off where it began.
Friday night, after i got home from work i planned on having a quite pizza&movie night with the boyfriend-the boyfriend planned on taking his PREGNANT fat girlfriend to a house party where she would be the only sober person within 500 feet. guess who's plans happened.

so we get to said party and I'm sitting on the couch people watching feeling really awkward and pissed off because if I'm going to go to a party i either want to get shitfaced... or i don't want to go at all. but there i was. sober. surrounded by a bunch of unfamiliar faces. random drunk girl who kept asking me to take a shot with her was pissing me off. i didn't want to be there.
so i ask AJ- one of the few people i knew there- if there was any soda to drink.. and he gets me a glass of coke.. i was drinking it and it had a really weird aftertaste but i was like... maybe its an off brand or something... and kept drinking.
7-10 cups later i couldn't walk. and i couldn't figure out why i felt so drunk i went through the house looking for my boyfriend... and of course he was in the one place i wasn't going to attempt to go... in the basement playing pool. i was being a little over dramatic ill admit... but he did leave me alone in a place I've never been, and i am hormonal,pregnant and at the time-drunk- when i finally found him i started crying about how the coke was drugged and i didn't mean to get drunk (so I'm told, i really don't remember this at all) so i went to aj and told him i think someone slipped something in to the coke (and i do remember this part) so he goes "oh shit that's right your knocked up, I've been giving you vodka and coke all night my bad "


other things that apparently happened on Friday that i don't remember:
-apparently my boyfriend dumped me for drinking..for about 20 mins until aj cleared things up
- i face planted in to the bathtub.. which explains my black eye- but i was thankfully caught by my boyfriend BEFORE the rest of me went down (meaning he saved the baby... even though AJ may have fucked it up for life)
- i went around complaining about my fat stomach... typical me.
-i kicked like 4 peoples ass in wii boxing :)
-nobody knows how... but i have 4 really big scratch marks going up my leg
- i was apparently dead set on figuring out how i could buy an oompa loompa and keep it as a pet

have i mentioned AJ is a dumbass?

no TO DO today I'm still recovering from my weekend.

breakfast-  a spoonful of nutella
lunch-  Nada
dinner- a large fry at McDonald's

Xo-glass-slippers-oX - thankies darling im really starting to get attached to gia:) i ended up walking down to his friends house storming in to the house (very rudely not saying a word to any of his loser dirt bag friends) walked up to him and said "if you don't come home with me like now, I'm locking the deadbolt and your ass can sleep on the fucking porch or here in this roach infested white trash shithole " then i smiled and said hi to the girl i hate the most that lives there and was like " oh hey angel... looks good in here... the rebel flags don't make you guys look like white trash crack heads at all" and started to walk out... he followed me like i hoped he would :)

and another follower!
Brigit is now a follower! this makes me happy :)

Friday, October 8, 2010

pic dumpppp

worst possible pic of my boyfriend. hed kill me if he knew .... but i think he looks adorable <3

and the thinspo.... just to be a genric anorexic chickadee :)

and one of me... when i was semi tiny :/

Made by Lena