blah blah blah my over tired rambleing and some more pics :)

what to say what to say?
work is screwing me over as usual.... they put me back in training...
because work sucks i feel like a peice of shit
because i feel like a peice of shit i started cutting again.
and haveing panic attacks at work
and because i work at the worlds shittyst place to work i have no insurance
so in order to continue to recive my script for the drugs that keep me as sain as possible

but i have my tommi, and he is as understanding and careing ashe can be
for someone who has no idea whats really going on in my fucked up head at least
but i love him and hes trying to get a better job at a better place so i can be a stay at home gf
because he doesnt want me working almost  as much as i dont want to work :)
 mostly because he sees what this paticular job does to me
and how theyve been treating me even shittyer since ive started dating him
and how i was just not cut out to work.
lol
he truly is as wonderful as i potray him :)

.....and now introducing my newest baby, jupy.... my teacup chiuaua.... tommi bought him for me in hopes it would cheer me up... it worked ...a little bit :)

and yes i did just wake up when i took these.... i literaly woke up to something licking my face.... and thats how i met my baby :)

.....and they all lived happily ever after

miss me? hell yea you did!

sorry i havnt been on in forever and a day its been a longgggggg few months,
where do i start?
 i guess i should start where i left off
 well his cousin and her kids moved out in a big hurry, big surprise.
i got a job. that i hate.
i met an awsome person at work. that i thought was gay.
this is where the story gets interesting. and before i continue, i DO NOT CONDONE CHEATING AT ALL.
so i was at work one day and it was pay day so everyone was comming in to pick up there checks, there was one guy i never saw before that came in with what i thought was his boyfriend,  we talked for a bit and i found out i was working with him in a few days then i gave him his check and he was on his way.
a few days later i get a text from a number i never saw before
"hey exited to work with me today?"
i didnt answer him back but truth be told i was. and for the first time.. i actually got all dolled up for work for the first time that day and  it apparently it payed off. all day at work we were texting back and fourth just making fun of everyone and everything. it was fun and for the  the first time in a long time i smiled for real
later that night when i got home from work we were still texting and i was still smiling. when i went to bed that night i put my phone,my ciggarettes, my lighter my journal, my tips from the day, and my camera in mypillow case (shows how much i trusted him at this point) at about 6 am i got woken up to
WAKE THE FUCK UP
i was confused. very confused. he went in to my pillow case  to either (a) go snooping through my phone or journal so hed have a reason to fight with me or (b) went to steal my ciggarettes, or money saw the phone and decided to go snooping . either way he was in the wrong.
but apperently he woke me up to fight for something i had no control over, apperently right after i went to bed i got a text saying "we both have off on monday you wanna do something? anything you want, my treat" and some how it was my fault that  that was said to me while i was asleep. and apparently that also means i was a slut who was cheating on him so why should he even try to remain faithful when i clearly wasnt.
yes because someone asking me to do something when i wear a ring on my left ring finger to work just so i dont get hit on  and claim to be "engaged"  automatically means im cheating .... wtf kind of logic is that?
but any way. i wasnt allowed to do ANYTHING without it turning in to a fight. i couldnt even go on MY computer with the internet I was paying for unless he was sitting right next to me looking over my shoulder like im 7 or something. i wasnt alowed to wear skirts, or makeup, or straighten my hair, or curl my hair, or wear v neck tees or tank tops or tight jeans because by some twisted logic it meant that i was  trying to impress some other guy and because i looked half decent i was clearly cheating on him... twisted logic right
i digress.  after that day i tried to stop talking to the new guy. it was kind of hard because they scedualed us to work together ALOT because when i worked with him i was a lot less stressed and  wayyyyy happier which meant i made more tips and costumers complained sooooo much less.

but then the boyfriend started acting weird. at first id come home from work and hed be gone but hed come home the next day and claim he was just out with AJ  playing xbox ( why is that always his excuse for everything? fucking xbox man i swear)  all night and lost track of time. and because i was blinded by love (and fear of another fight) i bought it, then after a few weeks he was disapearing for a few days at a time, gone for 2 days home for 1, gone for 3 days home for 4, and i was pissed because on top of that, i was doing ALL the cooking ALL the cleaning,ALL the laundry, paying most of the bills, AND working. but i didnt say anything still. then he was disapearing for longer and longer periods of time so one day after calling the jails and hospitals in the 5 surrounding countys to make sure he wasnt dead, hurt, or in jail(because he was gone for 9 days at this point and this became my daily ritual), i had to go to work and i was working with... guess who? and i was at my whits end  with the boyfriend  so partially out of spite and mostly because i had a crush... i was like " hay tommi whatcha doing after work? because he STILL hasnt appeared and im getting sick of it, its cinco de mayo i want to just forget him for the night" and you know what? we got drunk, we made out and i had a good time. the next morning i felt guilty as hell for making out with tommi while i had a boyfriend but whatever.
on a side note. i dont know  i told you this but AJ does meth and my bf at the time is a former meth head...so thats where my guess he was while he was disappearing for days at a time because he knows i dont even like him smoking weed. im not a fan of drugs and i never have been but i can deal with weed. and anything prescribed by a doctor, infact i dont think id be able to function with out my prescription  for xanax.... id be a hot mess.
so he doesnt come home till the day after mothers day (and i got my food stamps ON mothers day) and as he always does when he wants to pick a fight with me, wakes me up at 9am to yell at me for not going food shopping on mothers day HEEEELLLLOOOOO i was working all day and i fucking spent what was left of the day with my MOTHER asshole. i said that i grabbed my computer my phone and my money and walked out the door, not really knowing where i was going. i called up tommi crying, still half asleep in my pjs, flip flops, my hair was probably rockin the  einestine it was attractive i must say. he came and got me and brought me to starbucks where i drank my soy vanilla latte and he just listened to me cry and complain, oh and say im sorry  8 million times for dumping all my problems on him then he brought me back home and guess what? the bf wasnt  home
big shocker
the next day i worked til 9pm and when i got home i was determined to break it off with him but when i got there he looked so sad and i just broke down crying before i could even say anything. i ran to the bathroom and texted tommi " idk if i can do this he looks like a sad puppy" and he texted me back within seconds - "your strong you can do this and plus what about us then?" it made my heart melt for whatever reason and i did it, after months of me wanting to this i finally did
all it took was that one text


the next chapter:
as soon as i broke it off with the ex,  he started getting violent. very violent. not at me  persay- but he was throwing dressers across the room begging me not to go, banging  his head against the wall, punching walls and since i  have PTSD i freaked out grabbed my work uniform, one work shoe, my computer my phone and my purse and literaly ran out the door while calling my mommy histerically crying and telling her what happened and texting tommi to come get me asap because im afraid of him following me if i walk up  to his house.
tommis roomate ended up being the one who got me because tommi was at work but that was fine with me. i got in the door of my soon to be new home and was greeted with 3 diffrent people  handing me beers all at once because i apparently (a) needed to catch up and (b) looked like i could use them.
by the time  tommi got home from work i was pretty trashed and i ran up to him and said " GUESS WHATTTT IM SHMINGLEEEE"  it was a good night, a much needed  good night
after everyone left and it was just me and  him awake i said " you know what? i havent been single for more then a month collectivly  since i was 12" and he said" that doesnt have to change. you could be my girlfriend" it was so cute and akward and it made me so happy

weve been together since may 12th and still not one fight, argument, diagreement, everything is great, his family loves me, his little brothers tell me im a better  sister then there real sister, his sister says  that her and  his mom have never liked any of his girlfriends until me, his mom gave us our own place and what we do pay in rent shes putting in savings for us to buy our own place in a few years.
life is good
im very happy
im glad that chapter of my life is OVER
and that im starting a new, better one

some pics of us.... just so you can see my upgrade :)

do you ever feel like a total fool?

i feel like this alot lately.

i feel taken advntage  of. i feel like my feelings dont count. it hurts
two days after having this blow out fight with my boyfriend bout this... he does it all over again. just for a longer period of time

i feel isolated.

i feel horrible that i feel this way, but i do.


its come to the point that i have no friends that are just my friends. my best friend in georgia seems to be closer to my boyfriend then me and she tells him just about everything i say so its not like  i can rant and rave about him to her . i cant even go online for the most part without him leering over my shoulder to make sure im not "talking to other guys.
 i really do love him but at the same time i feel kinda trapped in my own skin. i have no one to vent to with out it going back to him, i have no one to call up and be like " my boyfriend is a fucking prick let me come over so i can talk shit about him for the next few hours and then go back home and feel refreshed and happy  with him again"

the only people we really even hang out with other then the best friend i mentioned, are his friends who are all two faced and apperently as soon as i leave the room telling him to leave me because im a "prissy yankee princess whos just going to leave him for someone with money eventually anyway" witch isnt true at all..

idk what to do anymore.

i feel like im slowly becoming a shell of my former self. nothing more


love you girls <3
i always come back eventually. sorry it takes so long to post. but like i said i rarely have time to myself ...

He that is without sin cast the first stone.

today i got on facebook and saw that my boyfriends cousin  sent me a message saying "we have alot to talk about call me asap!" so i called the house and the cell with no answer. when i  finally got someone it was my bf. and he told me she wasnt home but they have been talkingabout me  and shes a little pissed that i "dont really do much"

first of all. i  not only myself and my boyfriend, but her,her three kids and his mother... every night. on top of that- i watch her youngest two kids just about every day so she can go find pills at the crack houses (or where ever she goes to get them... idk) on top of THAT i  also am the only one in the god damn house that does dishes ever, im the only one who is looking for a fucking job, i do EVERYONES (exept my own because i need a dryer so i go elswhere) laundry just about every day i do at least a load i do hw with the oldest kid, i supply everyone with cigarettes (because my mom buys cartons for me) and i do ALL the grocery shopping.

but i dont do anything aperently.

in the 4 months that she has lived with us this is what ive seen her do. cry, complain, stick the kids in the playpen, cry, smoke, pop pills, and uhm,,, complain.
once in a while she'll drag me to the store so she can buy lotto too.

but im the one who does nothing?

then i finally did get on the phone with her and she was scoldingme like  a fucking child because i dont wake up at 6 with her to help get the 9 yearold off to school. heres a tip: if youre going to scold me like a 5 year old expect me to shut down and say what ever needs to be said to shut you the fuck up. then go and do what ever i want any way.

who cares if i dont get up until 11-12? its not like i need to anything in the time period of 6-10 any way.... let me fucking sleep an extra 4 hours... in the long run its the best option for everone... i dont do well being woken up early. and its not like all i do is sit on my ass all day like her any way... in the hours im awake... i do 10x more then she does and shes got those extra 4 hours on me... so like i said let me fucking sleep and no one gets hurt

then theres him

this "talk" they had started off because of a fight we had. i worked on valentines day. so with the 20$ my friend gave me to watch her kids for 4hours,  i went and bought beer, well since im 19 i gave the money to him and he got US beer. key word US not HIM. 2 days later aj came over with jager andred bull ready to party since i dont drink liquor (knowingly at least) i went in the fridge and got a beer out. i opened it and took half a sip before getting it ripped out of my hand and getting told i couldnt drink. i was pissed.  and i sat there sober. watching him and aj getting plastered and every once in a while hed ask me if i was ok and i wouldnt respond but i was shaking i was so mad i bought the beer for us and im sitting there watching him drinking it all plus jagerbombs right in front of me.

so im sitting there shaking im so mad and to make matters worse a very drunk aj sits next to me pretty much acuseing me of being on meth  saying shit like " shawtee that shit is bad news, believe me i know ive been there so has your boy, find someone you love and talk to them but please stop"... yes aj is white.... and yes he does say "shawtee" but for some reason it doesnt bother me when he says it .


any wayy.
i told my mom this story and her responce made me laugh
"SO WAIT LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, HE WONT LET YOU DRINK THE BEER YOU BOUGHT BECAUSE YOUR UNDERAGE AND THATS AGAINST THE LAW BUT HE CAN SMOKE ALL MY WEED AND THATS PERFECTLY OK? THATS FUCKED UP FUCK HIM HAVE A BEER" and yes she did yell all that.  and yess she did hand be a beer. lol


i may only be able to be around her for a short period of time but shes still funny.


sorry abiut the title being all biblical... i just think it fits for this rant.
he that is without sin cast the first stone.
guess what... hes at the end of that line.
but so am i

living in an over populated house

im finally home. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
my boyfriend went through my texts and decided i did infact cheat on him in ny. and to be honest... ii didnt. i made out with my bestfriend BUT i told him about that and he laughed about it. hes fine as long as the person i make out with has a vagina... he thinks its funny.

i love him why would i cheat on him ....urgh.

but i am happy to be home even if my living arangement is all out of wack.... ready for this shit?
we live in a 3 bedroom 1 bath  house. living in said house there is  my boyfriend, his cousin and her  4 kids, his mom. our 2 dogs, 4 cats and me.  thats 13 fucking living things in 3 small bedrooms. its horrible. right now im at my moms because i needed to get away. its sad when my mothers house is where i go to excape. all that happens when im here is  she tells me how much of a skrew up i am. but right now id rather be here then there sad isnt it?