Sunday, October 24, 2010

parties,a hospital bed, and baby names names

so its been a while. and i apologise
I've spent the last few days in a hospital bed because i collapsed at work ... thankfully it was right before my boss walked in the door apparently but i still just straight up passed out. apparently i have gestational diabetes, i really thought only obese chicks get that but i suppose i was wrong. it sucks i have to check my blood sugar levels like 5 times a day, i hate the fucking needle. it hurts.

but thank goodness. baby is doing great.
speaking of... we narrowed down names to 3 girl names and 2 boy names
Gia Marie Bryan
Thea  Ashwynn(Ash-win) Bryan
Gemma-Kate Bryan (no middle name )
Travis Michael Bryan
Kade Jacob Bryan
what do you girls think? Thea was his choice and  we'll probably go with that because its growing on me.

ok so as always i have drama to tell you girls and don't think  today is any different
so Saturday was my boyfriends little cousins 10th birthday party, he begged us to come because he looks up to my boyfriend so much. because my bf is a Jehovah's witness (or claims he is but cant be too religious since hes got a kid on the way and were not married) he didn't want to go to that poor child's party. i literally had to pick out an outfit, iron it for him, brush his hair for him, sit there and watch him shave, and put on his shoes just to get him out the door. then i felt bad we didn't have anything to give Stephen for his birthday so i went to the dollar store and bought him 10$ worth of stuff (with my last ten dollars might i add) so we get to  the party and it hasn't started yet, in fact they were still getting ready so i took it upon my self to help out. i hung up banners, filled the pinata, helped decorate the cake, gave the kids baths, picked out there outfits for the party, dressed the 3 younger ones. did the little girls hair,and made sure all of them were occupied while we were waiting for people to show up. mean while by boyfriend is sitting on the couch downing beers like they're nothing, starring mindlessly in to space. he must have already had 7 or 8 by the time the actually party started. then  when the party started, it was in the back yard so he moved himself to a chair in the back yard and  drank more beer, and stared mindlessly in to space while i was running around trying to keep all the kids  in the back yard, pouring drinks, handing out margaritas to the adults, trying to figure out who the screaming kid of the moment belonged to making sure no one was eating things out of the dirt and then when the food was ready i was handing out hamburgers and hot dogs. my boyfriend wouldn't even pay attention to his "little buddy" Stephen. all because he "doesn't believe in birthdays" i was pissed.
so his momma shows up to fix her self a plate and then leave and  as shes leaving  he  grabs me like " I'm leaving with my mom you coming?" i was like are you out of your fucking mind dude? i have to play baby sitter and care taker because at this point I'm the only sober adult left. but i wont be late you'll be home right?  he  goes " i don't know" and  gets in the car. i got even more pissed.
so as the party winded down, i handed out cake, wiped faces clean, handed out goodie bags and brought all the kids to whom the belonged to.  then the party was over, and his cousin brought me home
now remember, that was HIS family.

i get back to his house and  his mom is walking out the front door with my stuff in her hand.. im like where is he? and she goes "he just went off with AJ not too long ago and he packed your stuff and told me to give it to you. you can stay and wait for him to come home if you want" at this point i was livid... i wanted to strangle him or slit his throat or something.
so im sitting on my boyfriends bed waiting, waiting, waiting 2 hours have gone by, waiting waiting waiting, 4 hours waiting waiting waiting 5 hours... i finally get my almost dead cellphone and spend 3 hours trying to get in touch with him. by this time I'm having an anxiety attack and balling my eyes out. i haven't seen or heard from him since he stormed out of the party. ii finally went to bed with molly (hhis dog and my "step daughter") expecting him to be there when i wake up at least. i woke up at 9... still no boyfriend...went back to sleep... woke up at 11... still no boyfriend.....went back to sleep... woke up at 1..... still no boyfriend and i couldn't fall back a sleep so ii stared calling again. NO ONE ANSWERS MY TEXTS OR CALLS WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?
finally someone answered my call and it was AJ's brother in law. i got on the phone with my boyfriend and i was like "uhm wtf was this fucking stunt? what if i went in to labor? what if i tripped and  fell and broke my neck? why the fuck would you go out with your fucking boyfriend and not even fucking wait for me to get home? like i dont fucking care  that  you went out  but  i stay over here on the weekends  to spend  time with you not with your dogs,cats,chickens,ducks, and mother while your out getting high and drunk with your fucking boyfriend are you going to fuckin come home before i have to leave or are you not even going to say bye to me" im pretty sure i said all that in one breath too. his responce?  i dont know babe we just got back from the store and were having a cook out" are you kidding me?  you dont  tell you pregnant girlfriend  whos eating everything in sight something like that! so i jsut hung up when he was done

he called me back (because he felt bad i have no doubt) and was like " how long are you going to be at the  house?" i was like " i dont fucking  know i was about to call devon to come get me but if youre going to grace me with your presence then i might wait for you" he told me he was on my way and i hung up again with out saying anything

he gets  home and  hes stoned off his ass AJ is drunk off his and i wanted to yell at both of them but i was emotionally exausted so i let it go. i got no appoligy for him being out for 28 hours and not even letting me know he was leaving, i got no i missed you baby. i got "you ate all my hotpockets... what the fuck. do you have any ciggarettes i know you do give me one"

is him saying sorry too much to ask? i dont even need the im sorry but an i missed you would be nice you know?

urgh idfk

 Xo-glass-slippers-oX- lol something like that. ive been eating everything in sight lately so  dont worry about me not eating any more <3

too much to try to remember

1- yoga video
2- go to walmart and buy a few avacados, sour cream and cilantro  for my famous guacomole
3- remember to take my prenatal

Monday, October 18, 2010

so it went from "i miss youso much" to "why are you here i had plans"?

so i officially moved in at my bosses ( mostly because its easyer then walking 45 mins At 6am every morning) i moved in Thursday night after i posted. Friday i spent the night settling my self in my new room and trying to give this whole sleeping alone thing a fair chance. he has no cell. i have no cell and he has no computer. so really, neither one of us have a real way to get in contact with each other. Friday night he got on facebook at his friend kevin's house (i hate when he goes over there usually because its a KNOWN crack house.. not kevin but all the rest of the 10 people who live in that tiny little single wide trailer) and all night he was like baby i miss you i cant wait to see you again blah blah blah bullshit blah. so Saturday afternoon i show up at the bryan house and he looks at me like wtf. i say "well don't get so exited to see me calm down stop jumping for joy" kidding of course, and his reply was "me and AJ were supposed to get high as fuck and go see jackass 3d tonight" how he was going to pay for a movie ticket with out me? i have no clue. but i was like " i wanna see that so bad you guys can get high or whatever but i still wanna see it too. then he gets in to this long ass rant about how i cant just show up at any time and how i don't live there any more so i should call and how i ruined his plans so just forget it we'll just watch tv and relax all night.
sketchy much? i think so.
but i wasn't about to fight with him again so i kinda just tuned him out after "you ruined my plans"

also because i have a "girl crush" on Katy perry (who's on the cover of this months cosmo) he has convinced himself that I'm bi, and it weirds him out. I'm weirded out that hes weirded out because 1. I'm not bi, although i kinda wish i was because that would make being single a little easyer, and 2.aren't guys like... hardwired to think that's hot anyway?. he as also convinced himself that since i am apparently bi, my pregnant ass is going to leave him for a chick. not just any chick but my friend renay who happens to be bi, but honestly if i was bi i think i could do better then renay (sorry renay i still love you <3)

all yesterday and today i have had to hear about how i ruined his plans and how he wants to kick AJs ass on madden 10. and how because of me he cant, meanwhile AJ invited him AND his "wife" (that being me.)

urgh i kinda almost feel since we've dropped the "l" word our relationship has slowly started to fall apart. but i don't regret it because i know in my heart i do love him.. idk
advice would be greatly appreciated right now <3
on to the daily crap-

uhm.... about that today... does semen count?

comments <3
Xo-glass-slippers-oX - I'm not sure whats going to happen and it scares me to death. and i know i should eat more but food makes me sick... like i think this baby already is bulimic because everything i try to eat just comes back up:/ except cum for some reason i can keep that down (hey its protein and sugar right?)

Skin and Bones- yea i hope everything gets better i love him but lately it doesn't seem to get any better :(

Thursday, October 14, 2010

the last few days have sucked.

hey guys sorry its been a couple days... its been a big drama filled mess
between the fact that I'm pregnant, and the fact that my boyfriends mom is kicking us out at the end of the month,we have both just been super stressed.
every  thing was going great. we watched more of my movies, sat around all day Wednesday and played UFC on his xbox ,ate, went to play with AJ for a bit we took some really really cute "couple pics" that i absolutely loved... then we got home... and i swear world war 3 broke out in the Bryan house.
i wanted to fuck... plain and simple.. i wanted attention... is that so wrong? but god forbid i want some affection while the Georgia bull dogs are on(it was a fuckin RERUN of last Saturday's game...which he made my hungover ass watch anyway.)  like seriously? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? so i was like fuck it ill do it my damn self... and i started... uhm.... doing my thing so to speak... and he gets all pissy at me and storms out of the i take a nap when I'm ....achem.. finished
i woke up and my camera mysteriously moved from one end of the room to the other... hmmm
he deleted all the fucking pics on my goddamn camera.. i was LIVID... in fact... i still am. that was fucked up...

i  stormed in to the living room screaming at the top of my lungs (don't worry kiddies, mama Bryan wasn't home)  i was calling him every name in the book ... and then some ii made up off the top of my head when i couldn't think of anymore... but the basic idea of my rant went something like this " YOUR A FUCKING LOSER, WHEN YOUR BOYFRIENDS FRIENDS TELL YOU YOU RE WAY TOO GOOD FOR HIM THAT'S GOTTA MEAN SOMETHING, I MEAN COME ON YOU DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL WHEN YOU WERE 15, YOU'RE 21 AND STILL DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING GED YOUR A LOSER.. WHY AM I EVEN WITH YOU"  for the record, I'm well aware i used alot of low blows.. and im also aware that i went overboard. then he got all pissed and shut down. so i went in to the bedroom  and started packing my shit up, he came in and asked me "wtf are you doing?" i told him if he cant even take pics with me he must be embarrassed of me and  he shouldn't have to be with someone hes embarrassed of
he takes the garbage with all my shit in it and throws it all over the fucking room.
i threw his cellphone out the door
he throws my lammy ( the stuffed animal I've had since birth) out the door
i start throwing cds and xbox games around the room
i think he ran out of options at this point so he threw an empty can of coke at me
i attacked his ass.
i full on took out my earrings and jumped on him screaming and yelling and throwing punches
all i saw was red, all i could think about was how much i hated him a the moment.

then AJ shows up at the door, like "heyguyswhatsup!" and i collect myself and talk with him for a min and completely ignore the fact my boyfriend even exists. then i start getting my stuff back together. and put in the garbage bag. and all three of us get in the car, my boyfriends driving, I'm in the middle and  aj is in the passenger seat. my boyfriend tried to put his arm around me and i pulled the hair out of his hand. like did he forget the smack down we just had not even an hour ago? should i go get him an MRI since he's clearly starting to get altimeters.
so were like at my bosses house (where i have been staying the night for the past few days) when he whispers in my ears and is like  you know i love you right?) i look at him kiss him on the cheek and left the car. i haven't spoken to him since that night... witch makes this day two. meh... this all sounded more interesting in my head.
on to the daily stuffs

all day-4 fiberplus bars, lots of cherry juicyjuice.

yay! blackblack is now following me :) this makes me smile

Xo-glass-slippers-oX- i know it can... i haven't had a drop of alcohol since that night. and i don't plan to for quite some time.

Monday, October 11, 2010

i got my pizza and movie night with my man!!

it made me happy :)
i got home from work today and he rented "chickflix from the indie section" as he put it. i love indie movies, they just seem more real. that and i love fucked up plots and it seems like indie movies have alot more selection of fucked up plots
juno, minis first time, kids, hard candy, the tracy fragments,and donnie darko :)
we only ended up watching juno hard candy and kids before he got tired and passed out.. but its ok because chelcea lately is about to come on lol
we got dominos too i had chicken bacon tomato pizza .... he had pepperoni...boring
but we cuddled and watched movies and it was cute! i had such a good day :)  for a change i have nothing to rant about... proud of me? i am
so on to the dailys :

breakfast- i got a large ice coffee from mcdonalds on the way to work (just dont tell anyone)
lunch- easy mac on the way to the park with the baby
dinner- HAPPY CLOUMBUS DAY! my boss made a big italian meal... lost of pasta, meatballs,manacati,and biscotti...yumm <3
after diner-- pizza with the boyfriend

god i ate alot today :/

Xo-glass-slippers-oX- lol yes i got trashed but i wish i hadnt, because it can do alot of damage to the baby :( i read your blog though... sounds like you had alot of fun :)
One day death will come to collect you - thankies! im trying to eat more.... i ate like a cow today though

Sunday, October 10, 2010

ahh the weekends over !

don't you just hate that?
i know i do.  i think the weekend should be longer. four days will suffice :)

anyway on to my crazy weekend... and how I'm probably the only person on the face of the world who could possibly ACCIDENTALLY get drunk. i swear i had no idea i was even consuming alcohol.

lets start the story off where it began.
Friday night, after i got home from work i planned on having a quite pizza&movie night with the boyfriend-the boyfriend planned on taking his PREGNANT fat girlfriend to a house party where she would be the only sober person within 500 feet. guess who's plans happened.

so we get to said party and I'm sitting on the couch people watching feeling really awkward and pissed off because if I'm going to go to a party i either want to get shitfaced... or i don't want to go at all. but there i was. sober. surrounded by a bunch of unfamiliar faces. random drunk girl who kept asking me to take a shot with her was pissing me off. i didn't want to be there.
so i ask AJ- one of the few people i knew there- if there was any soda to drink.. and he gets me a glass of coke.. i was drinking it and it had a really weird aftertaste but i was like... maybe its an off brand or something... and kept drinking.
7-10 cups later i couldn't walk. and i couldn't figure out why i felt so drunk i went through the house looking for my boyfriend... and of course he was in the one place i wasn't going to attempt to go... in the basement playing pool. i was being a little over dramatic ill admit... but he did leave me alone in a place I've never been, and i am hormonal,pregnant and at the time-drunk- when i finally found him i started crying about how the coke was drugged and i didn't mean to get drunk (so I'm told, i really don't remember this at all) so i went to aj and told him i think someone slipped something in to the coke (and i do remember this part) so he goes "oh shit that's right your knocked up, I've been giving you vodka and coke all night my bad "


other things that apparently happened on Friday that i don't remember:
-apparently my boyfriend dumped me for drinking..for about 20 mins until aj cleared things up
- i face planted in to the bathtub.. which explains my black eye- but i was thankfully caught by my boyfriend BEFORE the rest of me went down (meaning he saved the baby... even though AJ may have fucked it up for life)
- i went around complaining about my fat stomach... typical me.
-i kicked like 4 peoples ass in wii boxing :)
-nobody knows how... but i have 4 really big scratch marks going up my leg
- i was apparently dead set on figuring out how i could buy an oompa loompa and keep it as a pet

have i mentioned AJ is a dumbass?

no TO DO today I'm still recovering from my weekend.

breakfast-  a spoonful of nutella
lunch-  Nada
dinner- a large fry at McDonald's

Xo-glass-slippers-oX - thankies darling im really starting to get attached to gia:) i ended up walking down to his friends house storming in to the house (very rudely not saying a word to any of his loser dirt bag friends) walked up to him and said "if you don't come home with me like now, I'm locking the deadbolt and your ass can sleep on the fucking porch or here in this roach infested white trash shithole " then i smiled and said hi to the girl i hate the most that lives there and was like " oh hey angel... looks good in here... the rebel flags don't make you guys look like white trash crack heads at all" and started to walk out... he followed me like i hoped he would :)

and another follower!
Brigit is now a follower! this makes me happy :)

Friday, October 8, 2010

pic dumpppp

worst possible pic of my boyfriend. hed kill me if he knew .... but i think he looks adorable <3

and the thinspo.... just to be a genric anorexic chickadee :)

and one of me... when i was semi tiny :/

Thursday, October 7, 2010

doctors, babys, boyfriends... i guess the letter of the day is B

sorry i haven't been posting.. I've felt like shit on a stick these past two days. and yet i some how manage to walk the 45 min walk to work every day and then home -that is what i call commitment.

i went to the doctors yesterday (with no help from anyone because despite my boyfriends good heart and spirit, he can be a bit of a tool and forgets i have an appointment so he goes to smoke weed all day... even though I'm pretty much single handedly supporting us as it is.. since hes been layed off since 2 weeks after we met and cant find a fucking job- sorry for the mini rant, blame it on the h-h-hh-hormones) baby's fine even though it wont sit still for the sonogram.
I've decided not to find out the sex until its born- their are so little surprises left in life ill take what i can get. 
also, I'm a fucking fat pregnant cow and i cant fucking fit in to my BEAUTIFUL birthday dress any more. it fucking pisses me off. i bought the dress about 3 months ago and right away i was like "I'm saving this for my birthday because its fucking perfect!" but no... i look like a stuffed sausage BEFORE i zipper it up i didn't even try to get the sipper because i knew that would just piss me off. then for literally 3 hours i just cried,and cried, and cried by the time i was done crying i wasn't even thinking about the dress anymore my boyfriend walked in the room and i  threw it at him and told him he was going to leave me for a skinny chick. i don't know if I'm just crazy or its the hormones but this has got to stop. before i drive everyone just as crazy as i am.

oh and i got weighed at the doctors, I'm not even going to say how much... just know its way too much.

theres the baby bump! its not quite huge.. but its noticeable.. and sorry my face is cut off.. that's what you get when you tell an 11 year old " make sure you get the belly!"

-yoga DVD
- try not to wait up for the bf even though i want to lock the dead bolt before i go to sleep
-look for affordable apartments so we can move out before we tell his mom

breakfast- a glass of OJ and a spoonful of nutella
-lunch- frozen peas straight out of the freezer and a diet caffeine-free coke
-diner- 3 chicken nuggets, an orange, and an Oreo
other- lots and lots of water.

i got my first comment at some point while i was away! thank you so much miss Lovelybones <3 I'm glad you like  my girls name. with my luck ill never think of a boys name and it will end up in fact being Bryan Bryan... think he'll get teased for that? nahhhhh :)
(ps keep em comming it gives me motovation to wright more )
i also got my first follower!!! purple_chick_undercover. thanks soo much for following me i hope you love what you read :)
so like right after i put this up my bad knee went out. i stood up and fell right back down. it hurts a lot.. but instead of crying for hours again i figured id take it out on the keyboard by typing really hard as I'm looking for my knee brace.

Monday, October 4, 2010

morningsickness should be called MOURNINGsickness

but maybe that's just me?
maybe its because i just cant picture myself being a mother
maybe its because I'm scared that I'm going to be a terrible mother
maybe its because i watch too much Nancy grace and I'm scared ill end up like one of those chicks?

i mean I'm a nanny i know how to take care of children... that's not  what I'm worried about. I'm worried about the fact that  i don't have a stable environment to raise the munchkin in. i don't even have a real environment to raise her in. my first thought was adoption but my boyfriend vetoed that idea and i don't really blame him. i don't want to go about my life not knowing where my baby is. is his/her new family treating him/her? i don't think i could live with my self not knowing.

but since i am a nanny that means i have to be at work 6 days a week at 7 am... i usually don't fall asleep until 1am and I'm up puking my guts out at 3,4,5,and 6 am... so all in all I'm always sleep deprived... sick and headache-y because of lack of caffeine in my system. 

not to mention the fact of naming this child.  my boyfriends last name is Bryan. and i really didn't think that would make naming the child that hard.. but indeed it does very much so.  for a girl i like Gia Mari Bryan. i think it flows quite well. however my boys name is officially out the window (Brendon Brice Bryan? yea.... no)  I'm at the point where I'm just going to name him Bryan Ryan Bryan.. just to fuck with people.

my to do list  for the rest of the day:
1- do my yoga DVD i borrowed from my boss
2- do at LEAST 20 Mins on the treadmill (against Dr's orders)
3- REMEMBER to take the god damn prenatal vitamins
4- eat something before i take them
5- try not to puke up the food and vitamin

intake of the day:
breakfast- a cup of coffee-(shhh don't tell)
lunch- whipped cream (sprayed directly in to my mouth)
dinner- nothing yet

Sunday, October 3, 2010

life as i know it

like I've said... life is tough... have i mentioned I'm pregnant too? three months-ish witch means... on top of having no money and living in a shed... i also am crazy, hormonal, decaffeinated, nicotine deprived, and fat. its pretty much driving me INSANE. i don't know how much longer i can take only being able to sneak a cigarette like once every two days and wanting to eat everything in sight. i swear by the time this baby is born I'm going to kill someone. seriously.
i just wanna be skinny and have money again is that too muchh?


so this is me, and 18 year old spoiled brat from the suburbs of new york, trying to make it out on my own in the little town of Athens Georgia.. i thought it was going to be easy doing it on my own, getting away from the restrictions of my mothers house, over bearing Italian grandmother, and all the expectations and rules of living at home. i was wrong, oh god was i wrong!
but being me, pride and all- i refuse to let my family know how much I'm struggling to keep my head above water. how i caved in and got on food stamps, how i lived in a shed for a month, how i begged people at a yard sale to give me some clothes for a dollar. i simply refuse to let them be aware of it. for all they know I'm doing amazing living life on my own.
kids always cant wait to grow up, but once we grow up.... we want to be kids again. deep down i seriously regret leaving my almost perfect life for this- government assistance, yard sale begging, and living in a shed.. yea great move on my part.

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