Wednesday, February 23, 2011

i feel isolated.

i feel horrible that i feel this way, but i do.


its come to the point that i have no friends that are just my friends. my best friend in georgia seems to be closer to my boyfriend then me and she tells him just about everything i say so its not like  i can rant and rave about him to her . i cant even go online for the most part without him leering over my shoulder to make sure im not "talking to other guys.
 i really do love him but at the same time i feel kinda trapped in my own skin. i have no one to vent to with out it going back to him, i have no one to call up and be like " my boyfriend is a fucking prick let me come over so i can talk shit about him for the next few hours and then go back home and feel refreshed and happy  with him again"

the only people we really even hang out with other then the best friend i mentioned, are his friends who are all two faced and apperently as soon as i leave the room telling him to leave me because im a "prissy yankee princess whos just going to leave him for someone with money eventually anyway" witch isnt true at all..

idk what to do anymore.

i feel like im slowly becoming a shell of my former self. nothing more


love you girls <3
i always come back eventually. sorry it takes so long to post. but like i said i rarely have time to myself ...

He that is without sin cast the first stone.

today i got on facebook and saw that my boyfriends cousin  sent me a message saying "we have alot to talk about call me asap!" so i called the house and the cell with no answer. when i  finally got someone it was my bf. and he told me she wasnt home but they have been talkingabout me  and shes a little pissed that i "dont really do much"

first of all. i  not only myself and my boyfriend, but her,her three kids and his mother... every night. on top of that- i watch her youngest two kids just about every day so she can go find pills at the crack houses (or where ever she goes to get them... idk) on top of THAT i  also am the only one in the god damn house that does dishes ever, im the only one who is looking for a fucking job, i do EVERYONES (exept my own because i need a dryer so i go elswhere) laundry just about every day i do at least a load i do hw with the oldest kid, i supply everyone with cigarettes (because my mom buys cartons for me) and i do ALL the grocery shopping.

but i dont do anything aperently.

in the 4 months that she has lived with us this is what ive seen her do. cry, complain, stick the kids in the playpen, cry, smoke, pop pills, and uhm,,, complain.
once in a while she'll drag me to the store so she can buy lotto too.

but im the one who does nothing?

then i finally did get on the phone with her and she was scoldingme like  a fucking child because i dont wake up at 6 with her to help get the 9 yearold off to school. heres a tip: if youre going to scold me like a 5 year old expect me to shut down and say what ever needs to be said to shut you the fuck up. then go and do what ever i want any way.

who cares if i dont get up until 11-12? its not like i need to anything in the time period of 6-10 any way.... let me fucking sleep an extra 4 hours... in the long run its the best option for everone... i dont do well being woken up early. and its not like all i do is sit on my ass all day like her any way... in the hours im awake... i do 10x more then she does and shes got those extra 4 hours on me... so like i said let me fucking sleep and no one gets hurt

then theres him

this "talk" they had started off because of a fight we had. i worked on valentines day. so with the 20$ my friend gave me to watch her kids for 4hours,  i went and bought beer, well since im 19 i gave the money to him and he got US beer. key word US not HIM. 2 days later aj came over with jager andred bull ready to party since i dont drink liquor (knowingly at least) i went in the fridge and got a beer out. i opened it and took half a sip before getting it ripped out of my hand and getting told i couldnt drink. i was pissed.  and i sat there sober. watching him and aj getting plastered and every once in a while hed ask me if i was ok and i wouldnt respond but i was shaking i was so mad i bought the beer for us and im sitting there watching him drinking it all plus jagerbombs right in front of me.

so im sitting there shaking im so mad and to make matters worse a very drunk aj sits next to me pretty much acuseing me of being on meth  saying shit like " shawtee that shit is bad news, believe me i know ive been there so has your boy, find someone you love and talk to them but please stop"... yes aj is white.... and yes he does say "shawtee" but for some reason it doesnt bother me when he says it .


any wayy.
i told my mom this story and her responce made me laugh
"SO WAIT LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, HE WONT LET YOU DRINK THE BEER YOU BOUGHT BECAUSE YOUR UNDERAGE AND THATS AGAINST THE LAW BUT HE CAN SMOKE ALL MY WEED AND THATS PERFECTLY OK? THATS FUCKED UP FUCK HIM HAVE A BEER" and yes she did yell all that.  and yess she did hand be a beer. lol


i may only be able to be around her for a short period of time but shes still funny.


sorry abiut the title being all biblical... i just think it fits for this rant.
he that is without sin cast the first stone.
guess what... hes at the end of that line.
but so am i
 

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